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［原文］
Grandma
山东建筑大学外语系 李文慧
I saw grandma's moist eyes.She must have wept[1].I knew that[2].Because I could understand an old woman's heart,though I still couldn't feel that.It was a heart thirsty for communication[3],spiritual communication.
Enjoying golden[4] happiness is what every person saw her and what grandma had always presented herself before others.But not everyone would find her wet lonely eyes[5].
The Mid-autumn Day was around the corner.Grandma must have been counting the days for it,for she got down to preparing for it[6] a week before.She would have done not a little preparation and her sons and daughters would buy whatever needed.On the contrary,she did whatever she could.Even the quilts and coverlets were not spared from a clean wash.So did[7] the pans,bowls,chopsticks and like.It was not a show of a character of cleanness,but a picture of a mother and grandmother's hope[8].The assistant at the moon cake shop would always say to her in a half joking and half earnest tone:"Old grandma,what do you buy moon cakes for?[9] Aren't your children's better?" Grandma would rejoin with a subtle smile:"I just like the moon cakes I buy myself."
Coming they were.Grandma felt the friction of the cars' tires against the ground and she staggered to the front door in small swift stepsl[10].Entering they were,with presents in big or small bags and greetings of "mama" or "grandma",overwhelming here that she answered every greeting with a shivering voice and a big smile[11],when I could just liken her face a flower formed by her deep wrinkles.After a while,the routine common inquiry about grandma's life,health was shifted to whatever topics foreign to her.She was not in that class and could not talk their lingo[12].Grandma,seated in an absolute isolation,gazed across the gap in earnest looking for a bridge,but as often the case,she found that she was achieving the impossible[13].Even her grandchildren had no interest in the old poor lady.They were so indulged in playing as to ignore the candies that their grandma gave them.
After such a day,grandma's hope had early been swept away by despair and depression[14].Deep in thought,she was looking up at the round bright noon,which told stories of meet of hearts as well as bodies.
［修改稿］
Grandma
I could notice her moist eyes.She must have wept some tears.I guessed so because I understood grandma's heart,though'I still couldn't share the feeling myself.It was a heart thirst for communication,a spiritual one,in particular.
Sharing happiness with everyone is what grandma used to,and that is the way she had always looked before others,though not everyone would find her in wet eyes.
The Mid-autumn Festival was around the corner,and Grandma should have long been expecting for it,for she was found to get down to it a week before.Actually,she needn't have done anything for it,as all her sons and daughters would have bought everything she needed.However,she liked to prepare for it herself.Even her quilts and coverlets wouldn't be spared from a clean wash,neither would the pans,bowls,chopsticks and the like.She washed them not to show her habit to keep things clean and tidy,but simply to show a mother's and a grandmother's good wishes.The assistant at the moon cake shop would always say to her in half a joking and half an earnest tone:"Grandma,whom do you buy moon cakes for? Wouldn't your children buy something for you?" At this,she used to rejoin with a smile:"I just like to manage it myself."
Here they were coming.Grandma felt the bumping of the cars' tires against the ground as she staggered to the front door in small hurry steps.Coming in,they brought things in big or small bags to her with warm greetings of "mama" or "grandma." Overwhelmed with the reunion happiness,she was hurrying in answering every greeting with an exciting voice and a broad smile.At that moment,her face could be just likened to a flower in blossom tissued with full of her deep wrinkles.After a while,it came to the family routine exchanges with inquiry into grandma's living.food,clothing and health,and then turned to whatever topics,most of which were foreign to her.Obviously,she was not interested,in that sort of things,apparently unable for her to follow their lingo.Seated in isolation,Grandma gazed across the gap in earnest looking for a bridge,but as it was often the case,she found that she was unable.On the other hand,her grandchildren wouldn't have much interest in their Grandma,rather,indulged themselves so much in their own games as to ignore the candies that Grandma gave them.
The day thus being over,Grandma's expectations had soon been swept away by her own long-lasting loneliness.Deep in thought,she was looking up at the bright round moon,which told her the stories of good old days with full touch with the world both in mind and physique.
整篇评析
本文作为一篇非英语专业学生的习作，在运用英语语言技能方面达到了一定熟练程度。但由于习作者的英语运用能力有限，用词过多从汉语习惯出发硬译，使不少地方显得生硬。因此，建议作者多读英语通俗故事，用更加通俗准确的文字进行事理叙述和心理描写。
段落及用言析改
1.weep给人的印象是“有了特殊的原因才放声而哭”。改成wept some tears，更符合奶奶的真实心境。因为从作者的整个叙述可知，奶奶的日子还是不错的。
2.I knew和because...都用得过分肯定，只是作者对老奶奶的心理猜想，并非根据确定的事实而做出的判断。另外，用连词because单立句子在此也不合适。
3.communication,spiritual communication的逗号表明二者为同等关系，实际后者只是前者中的一部分。
4.golden可去掉。老奶奶需要享受的幸福和快乐不属于golden性质的，不过是常人趣事而已。
5.find后面的宾语和宾补必须是内容蕴含相等。her则和wet lonely eyes的含义不同等。故改为：find her in wet eyes.
6.got down to即是“落实、准备好。”和preparing for是相同的，故应去掉一个。
7.So did倒装省略表达法用错了。因为与相对应的前一部分谓语形式相同，即否定形式。应改为neither would才对。
8.用词不当之列。正确搭配应为to show her habit for...,but...to express a mother's and a grandmother's good wishes.
9.old grandma是典型的中国式英语。英语中只能用grandma，其前不能再加old。What...for?语法不错，但用在此处不妥。其上下文意思是说：“你买月饼给谁吃呀？给你自己吃还是给儿孙们吃？”言下之意是你根本用不着买。他们会替你买好一切的。故将what改为whom合适。
10.这句话中用词有两个败笔。一是felt the friction...，老奶奶不可能感觉到汽车轮胎与地面的摩擦，而是听到汽车开过来的声音。二是既然老奶奶staggered...，即“踉踉跄跄走到大门口，”就不可能是in swift steps。因为swift的意思是prompt and quick（机敏）。这里用hurry就够了。
11.这句话表达有问题。作为带着一长串附加修饰成分的句子谓语Entering被置于全句句首。次要谓语overwhelming又引起一个长长的从句，使句子很难理解。answered every greeting with a shivering voice...一部分中用shivering voice这一说法描写程度有点过分，不如用exciting或over-delighted自然一些。
12.意思说“她不属于那个阶层，也谈不来人家的行话。”这句话说得太正式，而且在谈论老人时，又显得不太尊重长者。
13.as often the case改成as it's often the case更准确一些。achieving the impossible这一成语用在老奶奶身上太正式。
14.原文把grandma的心情说得太悲观，也太凄凉了。而文中则细说了老奶奶的子女与她共度节日，使她感到温暖，境遇并不差。句中early应改为soon，即表示“很快地、不久”。
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