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广东海丰县澎湃中学高二林伊曼的原文
Nowadays,many kids don't think their parents are nice enough to them.They don't understand why their parents stop them from dressing in the fashionable way 1 ,and limit the time they go out at night and so on.So many misunderstandings happen between parents and children,and that makes a generation gap between them 2.
I have a friend who has severe parents 3.Every time when I call her,her mother will ask me in a vigilant voice with" who is this?" 4" What do you want to tell my daughter?" and so on,so few classmates will call her 5.Although my friend knows her parents care about her in that way,she hates it.
In my opinion,we should tell our parents our needs and have a talk with them to know what they are thinking about us.We should try our best to know more about each other and find a good way to make both sides happy.
Here I have some suggestions.Firstly,set aside some spare time to talk with our parents such as our school life,friends and the plans of studies 6.Secondly,make our parents trust ns.We must try our best to let our parents know us and let them give us some free time ;we must listen to our parents' suggestions.When we made some mistakes,we must apologize to our parents,it's very important to believe that our parents love us,and they will forgive us forever 7.I think it's not difficult to bridge the generation gap,and we should know our parents do those things for us because they love their children.Can you think of anything else better than living in a happy family?
经史冰岩教授修改后的作文
Nowadays,many kids don't think their parents are nice enough to them.They don't understand why their parents stop them from dressing in a fashionable way,and limit the time they go out at night and so on.So many misunderstandings have arisen between parents and children,and resulted in a generation gap between them.
I have a friend who has strict parents.Every time I call her,her mother will ask me in a suspicious voice"who is this?" "What do you want to tell my daughter?"and so on.As a result few classmates will call her.Although my friend knows her parents care about her in that way,she hates it.
In my opinion,we should tell our parents our needs and have a talk with them to know what they are thinking about ns.We should try our best to know more about each other and find a good way to make both sides happy.
Here I have some suggestions.Firstly,set aside some spare time to talk with our parents about our school life,friends and learning plans.Secondly,make our parents trust us.We must try our best to let our parents know us and give us some free time.We must listen to our parents' suggestions.When we make some mistakes,we must apologize to our parents.It's very important to believe that our parents love us,and they always forgive us.I think it's not difficult to bridge the generation gap,and we should know our parents do those things for us because they love their children.Can you think of anything else better than living in a happy family?
总体评价
作者在文中用实例叙述了两代人之间由于误解而产生的代沟。这确实是目前每个家庭都面临的一个棘手的问题，父母对孩子无微不至的关爱给孩子带来了沉重的心理负担甚至是逆反和厌恶。作者向大家倡议多与父母交流，使父母相信我们，并坚信父母对我们的爱。本文语言流畅，内容充实，结构合理，但也有一些小的失误，表现在：
1.They don't understand why their parents stop them from dressing in the fashionable way,and limit the time they go out at night and so on.定冠词the具有特指的意味，不定冠词a用作泛指，本句并非特指某一种时髦的穿着方式，应将定冠词the改为不定冠词a。
2.So many misunderstandings happen between parents and children,and that makes a generation gap between them.本句中happen意为“（偶然事件的）发生”，放在这里不太贴切，可用arise表示“（尤指问题或困境）发生，产生，出现”。例如：A new crisis has arisen.后半句则可直接使用短语result in（导致），与arise构成并列谓语。
3.I have a friend who has severe parents.句中severe意为“极为恶劣的，十分严重的，严厉的，苛刻的”，如a severe handicap严重残疾／His injuries are severe.他的伤很重。severe用来形容父母有些过分，这里可用strict表示“要求严格的，严厉的”，如a strict teacher/parent。
4.Every time when I call her，her mother will ask me in a vigilant voice with“who is this?”可将本句中的when一词省掉，将every time或each time视为从属连词，引出时间状语从句。例如：Every time I go to a class reunion,there ale fewer and fewer still around.此外，vigilant是一个很正式的用词，意指“警惕的，警戒的”，指防范危险的到来。例如：A pilot must remain vigliant at all times.可用suspicious表示“怀疑的，感觉可疑的”，如a suspicious look/glance。suspicious放在本句中较为恰当。
5."What do you want to tell my daughter?"and so on,so few classmates will call her.一般来说so应为从属连词，引出结果状语从句，但在本句中前后两个分句没有必然的因果关系，因此，将本句断成两句，使用as a result这一短语将结果引出。
6.Firstly,set aside some spare time to talk with our parents such as our school life,friends and the plans of studies.本句中采用了表示动作顺序的过渡性词语firstly,secondly，除此之外，也可以使用to start with/the first place...,moreover/furthermore....,finally等。此外，talk一词的用法是talk to/with sb.about/on sth.。本句用the plans of studies太中式化，因此改为learning plans。
7.When we made some mistakes,we must apologize to our parents,it's very important to believe that our parents love us,and they will forgive us forever.本句谈论的是一般现象，并非过去发生的事情，应将made改成make。另外，从逻辑上说，用forever修饰forgive不太恰当，但可说成always forgive sb.。