My Life at College，本文主要内容关键词为：Life论文,College论文，此文献不代表本站观点，内容供学术参考，文章仅供参考阅读下载。
原稿：
Looking back 1 my first semester at college,I had complicated feelings which,to some extent,have had the profoundly effect upon my life at college.
The moment when I entered my longing 2 college will be firmly carved in my mind despite the passage of time.How exciting 3 I was when I explored the mysterious and compacting 4 campus! I was so inspired that I thought my life at college would be the spotlight in my life.
However,all sorts of unexpected difficulties and frustration resembling severe storms turned my marvelous dreams into bubbles which once touched,will instantly burst into piece.What had happened was so abrupt that I was completely at a loss.Loneliness,depression and frustration like three ravenous tigers,rent my heart into piece.
Desperately,I longed to avoid life deliberately,lest the damn storm stroke my fragile heart again!However,it seemed that God inclined to make tricks on me.A fatal storm ruined my prospect of confidence into piece.5
One midningt on severe winter I suffered from a terrible fever.I felt so uncomfortable that 6 I sensed something was burning in my throat.I did my utmost to wake my roommate up,for I was in great need of hot water.He was very upset.In spite of my pleading voice,he shouted at me:"Shift! It'scold!Do it yourself!"On hearing his blunt refusal,I couldn't stop tears streaming from my eyes.Instantly,similar memories skipped from my mind:Each time when I got a fever,my parents would sit up anxiously all night,looking after me.What a tremendous contrast! On impulse,I call a phone 7home,telling my parents how much I love them.It was this experience that changed my idea of affection and love between my roommates.
Perhaps in people's eyes,life at college is fascinating.It is ,however,quite the opposition for me! It is a hell,rather than a heaven! But I have no other choice but to so through many ordeals before success.
修改稿：
Looking back at my first semester at college,I have complicated feelings which have had a profound effect upon my life at college.
The moment whtn I entered college will be firmly carved in my mind despite the passage of time.How excited I was when I explored the mysterious and dwarfing campus! I was so inspired that I thought my life at college would be the highlight of my life.
All sorts of unexpected difficulties and frustrations turned my marvelous dreams into bubbles which when touched will instantly burst.What had happened was so abrupt that I was completely at aloss.Loneliness,depression,and frustration rent my heart into pieces like three ravenous tigers.
One midnight in winter,I suffered with a terrible fever.I felt so uncomfortable;I sensed something burning in my throat.I woke my roommate up,for I was in great need of hot water.He was very upset.In spite of my pleading,he shouted at me:"It's cold! Do it youself! "On hearing his blunt refusal,I couldn't stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks.Instantly,memories skipped in my mind:Each time when I had a fever,my parents would sit up anxiously all night,looking after me.What a tremendous contrast!On impulse,I called home and told my parents how much I love them.If was this experience that changed my feelings towards my roommates.
Perhaps in most people's eyes,life at college is wonderful.It is,however,quite the opposite for me! It is a hell,rather than a heaven! I have no other choice but to go through many ordeals beforesuccess.
点评：
这篇文章的作者在记叙自己的经历时看法似乎有点偏颇，另外，在遣词造句时也捉襟见肘、力不从心，且有不少语法错误，这在学生中相当普遍。当然，语法正确并非写作的惟一要求，然而却是最基本的要求，不符合语法读者就无法理解。
1.look是不及物动词，必须加上介词at才能后续宾语。
2.my longing college很令人费解，Doug对此批注道：“I do not know why this is here.”作者大概想表达“我向往的学校”这个意思。如果这样，应该说the college that I long for。longing是动词long的现在分词，作形容词，有主动的意义。从语法上看，my longing college意味着my college能发出“渴望、向往”之类的动作，这显然有悖常识。再者，表示“渴望”之意应该说long for/after。
3.这里应该用过去分词excited，而非现在分词exciting。可以说：It was an exciting journey.或者I was excited at the prospect of a journey.二者不可换用。请参见上一条解释。
4.Compacting campus也使人费解。如果作者想表达“校园很大，使我变得很渺小”之意，可以说dwarfing campus；如果想表达“校园很紧凑（小）”之意，则可说compact campus。
5.这段言之无物，文字表达也很有问题，故删。
6.so...that这个句型一般用于表示“由于达到某种程度，以致造成某种结果”，即有因果关系。如：I felt so uncomfortable that I could not stand on my own feet.但“I felt so uncomfortable”和“I sensed something burning in my mouth”之间应理解为并列关系，故so...that句型在此不宜。
7.call本身就有“打电话”(to telephone someone)之意，所以不能说to call someone a telephone，而应该说to call him/his home/his office。“给我家里打电话”可以说to call my home，也可以说to call my parents at home。另外，call也可以用作名词，如：to give someone a call或to give a call to someone。“接电话”可以说to answer/receive/get/have a call from someone。
唐国全／点评
参考作文：
Life at College
When I look back at my first semester in college,I am filled with many complicated feelings.These feelings-loneliness,depression,and frustration-had a profound effect on my life during the first semester.
I will remember the first time I entered college for the rest of my life.I was so excited when I explored the new and gigantic campus! I knew that my life at college would be one of the highlights of my life.
Unfoutunately many unexpected difficulties appeared and abruptly ripped my happiness and excitement apart.For example,in winter I was afflicted with a severe fever.I was in terrible pain;it felt as if my throat was on fire.I managed to wake up one of my roommates,since I was in need of hot water and I could not get it myself.He was very upset and shouted at me,"It's cold.Do it youseltlf! "It was this experience that changed my feelings toward my roommates.
Some people may feel that life in college is a wonderful experience;I feel the exact opposite.It is a hell rather than a heaven!Unfortunately I must suffer now so that I might have success later in life.
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