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张秀荣同学的原文
The Mother's Day is coming.There is a happy atmosphere everywhere.People are busy buying gifts for their mother.This reminds me of last Mother's Day.
Before that day,there was already a flood of advertisements on TV and radio,advertising(1)people to buy presents for their mothers.All the stores and supermarkets held various activities to promote their products (2) for the coming Mother' s Day(3)
On that Day,when I walked in the street,my ears were bombarded with the instigating(4)voices:"If you love your mother,please send her abouquet of flowers(5),or a suit of clothes,or abottle of perfume..."
"I love my mother with (6) my heart,but not with my words or some products.Love can't be bought by money (7)." I said to myself.I was very satisfied with my rational thinking while looking at(8)people buying products blindly and crazily.
Nothing done in the day,I went to dormitory at night (9),picked up a magazine,lied in bed,read(10) it carefully(11) But soon I was attracted by a story in it.It goes like this:
John was too busy with his business that he can't go back home on Mother's Day.On that day,he passed by a flower shop.An idea suddenly came into his mind."I will send mom some roses."
He went to the small (12)shop and saw a young man talking to the clerk."How many roses can I get for six dollars,madam?"The boy asked.The clerk was trying to explain that roses were expensive;maybe the young man would be happywith carnations.
"No,I have to have roses" he said," Mymom was sick so much last year(13)and I didn't get to spend much time with her.I want to get something special.It has to be red roses because that is her favorite"He was emphatic.
The clerk shook her head.Something inside John was touched by the boy's voice (14).He signaled the clerk that he would pay the roses for theboy.
The clerk looked at the young man and said"Ok,I will give you a dozen red roses for your six dollars".The young man almost jumped into the air.He took the flowers and ran out of the store.It was worth the extra 35 dollars (15) just to see that kind of excitement.
John ordered his own flowers and had the clerk to be sure that (16) delivery would inelude a note telling his mother how much he loved her.As he walk out,he was feeling good.Suddenly he saw that boy cross a street and enter a park.Out of curiosity,he followed him.But soon he realized it went not to a park,but a cemetery (18).The young man stopped by a small monument and went to his knees.He carefully laid the roses on the grave and began to sob.He stared at the little boy's heaving body and listened to his muted crying (19).As he cried,he heard the young man speak "Mommy,oh Mommy,why didn't I tell you how much I love you.Why didn't I tell you one more time? Jesus,please find my Mommy.Tell my Mommy I love her".
John turned,tears in his eyes,and walked quietly back to the florist and told her he would take the flowers personally.He wanted to be sure and tell his (20) mother one more time just how much he loved her.
After reading the story,I was engrossed inthinking.Tears also rolled down my face.A sense of guilty (21) surfaced.I took up the telephone and dialed the little strange but much familiar number(22)nervously and exeiteclly:"Mommy,I miss you,I love you too much."There was a silence at the other end of the telephone(23) .I know why it was.I can guess that she was smiling with a little bit ofsurprise."What are you doing now,mommy?"
"Watching TV.Perhaps it is Mother's Day today.There are a lot of programs about it.I enjoy this day.Your words bring me more happiness.Are you ok recently?You must pay more attention to your health..."
I wept.Thanks to the magazine,thanks to the day,I know a lot(24) from it.It gives me a chance and courage to speak out "I love you mommy."If I can,I must fly to my mommy immediately(25).
The Mother's Day is coming now again(26) Don't just send a card flowers.If you can,go to them (27) .If you can't go,then call them on the telephone(28);put into words what you feel.If you are blessed enough to still have yourmother,please,tell her how mueh you love her!
经熊教授修改的文章
The Mother's Day is coming.There is a happy atmosphere everywhere.People are busy buyinggifts for their mothers.This reminds me of lastyear's Mother' s Day.
Before that day,there was already a flood of advertisements on TV and radio,urging people to buy presents for their mothers.All the stores and supermarkets held various activities to promote the sale of their products for the coming occasion.
On that day when I walked in the street,my ears were bombarded with the persuasive voices:"If you love your mother,please send them a bouquet,or a suit of clothes,or a bottle of perfume..."
"I love my mother with all my heart,but not with my words or some products.Love can't be bought with money," I said to myself.I was very satisfied with my rational thinking while watching people buying blindly and crazily.
With nothing done in the day,I went back to my dormitory in the evening,picked up a magazine,lay in bed and began to read it leisurely.But soon I was attracted by a story in it.It goes like this:
John was so busy with his business that hecouldn't go back home on Mother's Day.On that day,he passed by a flower shop.An idea suddenly came to his mind."I will send Mom some roses."
He went inside the small shop and saw ayoung man talking to the clerk."How many rosescan I get for six dollars,madam?",the young man asked.The clerk was trying to explain that roses were expensive;maybe he would be happy with carnations?
"No,I have to have roses," he said.My Mom was sick so much of the time last year and I didn't get to spend much time with her.I want to get something special.It has to be roses as rose is her favorite.He was emphatic.
The clerk shook her head.Something inside John was touched by the young man's words.He signaled to the clerk that he would pay for the young man.
The clerk looked at the young man and said:"Ok,I will give you a dozen red roses for your six dollars."The young man almost jumped into the air.He took the flowers and ran out of the store.It was worth the extra 35 dollars John paid to see that kind of excitement.
John ordered his own flowers and told the clerk to be sure that the delivery would include a note telling his mother how much he loved her.As he walked out,he was feeling good.Suddenly he saw the young man crossing the street and entering a park.Out of curiosity he followed.But soon he realized it was not a park,but a cemetery.The young man stopped by a small tombstone and went on his knees.He carefully laid the roses on thegrave and began to sob.John stared at his heaving body and listened to his muted words between his sobs:"Mommy,oh Mommy,why didn't I tell you how much I love you?Jesus,please find my Mommy and tell her I love her."
John turned,his eyes full of tears,and quickly walked back to the florist and told her he would take the flowers personally.He would tell his mother one more time how much he loved her.
After reading the story I was lost in thoughts.Tears also rolled down my face.I was assailed by a sense of guilt.I picked up the phone and dialed the familiar number nervously and excitedly:"Mommy,I miss you.I love you too much.'There was a silence at the other end.I knew how it was.She must be smiling with happy surprise."What are you doing now,Mommy?"I tried to break the silence.
"Watching TV.They say it's the Mother's Day today,and I was wondering if your emembered.,but your words brought me endless happiness.Are you okay recently?You must pay moreattention to your health..."
I wept.Thanks to the magazine I learnt a lot that day.The story in it gave me the chance and courage to speak out:"I love you Mommy! "If I had wings I would fly to my Mommy at once.The Mother's Day is here again.Don't just send flowers with a card.If you can,go to your mother.If you can't go,then at least call her.If you are blessed enough to still have your mother,please be sure to tell her how much you love her!
总评：
文章很生动，并有教育意义。文字也比较通顺，无重大语法结构错误，可谓一篇好文章，值得推广。具体修改如下：
(1)无论是在语法上或意思上，这里用advertise都是错误的。应该改用urge，即urging people to buy…
(2)这里用to promote the sale of their products更为确切。
(3)为了避免过多重复Mother's Day，这里可以用the occasion来代替。
(4)这里说persuasive voices要比说instigating voices更为恰当。
(5)bouquet本身就是花，所以无须再加of flowers。
(6)这里all不能省掉，所以应该说：I lore my mother with all my heart。
(7)用钱买是buy with money，而不是bymoney。
(8)这里看应该是watch，而不是look。
(9)回宿舍应该是：I went back to my dormitory，这里back和my都不能省掉。
(10)这是一连串动作的最后一个，所以前面要有连接词and。“读”这个动作持续时间比较长，所以应该说开始读：and began to read。
(11)carefully应改为leisurely，因为开始时他只是悠闲地翻阅，只是看到了关于母亲节的文章才引起了他的兴趣，这样下面一句才好用but，说明两种阅读的心态。
(12)他已经先看到了小花店才决定进去，所以应该说went inside the small shop.To go to a place只是去一个地方。
(13)或者说was so sick last year，或者说was sick so much of the time last year虽然意思不一样，但在这里都说得通。
(14)一会儿说the boy，一会儿说the young man，好像是两个人似的，应该保持一致用the young man。
(15)最好说明这补上的35块钱是John付的。
(16)只能说to have the clerk do something而不能说to have the clerk to be sure that...，而应该是to tell the clerk that…
(17)作者可能是想说he went not to a park,but to a cemetery。
(18)普通老百姓的墓碑是tombstone，而monument是纪念碑。
(19)John不是听他哭的声音，而是听他哭时讲的话。
(20)这里he wanted to be sure完全是多余的，只要用will的过去式would就行了。
(21)名词是guilt,guilty是形容词。
(22)说自己家的电话号码是熟悉的当然是对的，但前面又加上the little strange可真是有点奇怪，不知何意，所以删掉。
(23)电话的对方是(person)at the other end of the line，而不是the other end of the telephone。平时只需说at the other end,of the line完全可以省去。
(24).知道往往是learn，而不是know。
(25)这只是一种感叹，并不是想订机票，坐航班，而是想长翅膀飞回去。
(26)事实上已经是母亲节了，所以应该说Mother's Day is here again。
(27)这里母亲是代表所有的母亲，用单数。
(28)给母亲打电话是call her，或者phone her，而不要说call her on the telephone。