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[1] The sky was a blinding blue that October afternoon,the kind of crisp autumn day our boys loved.I could imagine Brent,5,and Blake,3,★tearing across（注：tear across 匆匆地走过。）our yard and with a whoop,leaping into the huge pile of leaves their big brother,Scott,13,had raked.
[2] Except that was never going to happen again.Blake was dead,victim of a strain of bacterial meningitis so vicious it★snuffed out（注：snuff out 扼杀；杀死。）his life in the space of a few hours.Instead of watching him climb the oak tree out front,hearing him laugh with delight when he made it higher than before,we were.laying him to rest.
[3] A sob escaped me,and my husband,Jeff,squeezed my hand tighter as we stood beside our son's grave.The service had ended,punctuated by the thuds of car doors as mourners left the cemetery.But we couldn't bring ourselves to leave Blake.Not yet.
[4] For days afterward I was never far from Jeff,nor he from me.We tried to be strong in front of the boys.It was best for them if things settled down and returned to normal.
[5] Privately I wondered if they ever would.Even the simple act of waking up wasn't the same.Jeff and I used to savor（注：鉴赏，玩味。）the early moming-before work,chores and the kids came rushing at us.We'd talk a while,holding each other.Then I'd listen as Jeff said a prayer.It made us feel centered to start the day with a quiet moment together.But now we couldn't find that peace,no matter how we clung to each other.At night we'd lie side by side,sleepless,then★slip into（注：陷入）a fitful doze only to be startled awake by the alarm clock.
[6] One morning a week after the funeral Jeff asked,"You awake,Babe?"
"I couldn't sleep."
"Neither could I,"he said."I've been thinking...I'm going back to work today."
[7] "You can't!"I cried."It's too soon."
"I have to,"Jeff said."They need me at the store."He managed his family's hardware business,and I knew he couldn't be away from it for long.But what would I do all day on my own?
[8] "Don't leave me,"I pleaded,clutching his arm.
He eased out of my grip,out of bed,and started getting ready.Before the left he kissed me on the forehead and told me.reassuringly,"You'll be okay,Babe,Call me."
[9] I wasn't okay.Not even close.After I got Scott and Brent off to school,I crept back to bed,exhausted from the effort of trying to be cheerful for them.Around lunchtime,still in my night-gown,I dragged myself into the kitchen.Me-chanically I lined up bread,peanut butter and grape jelly on the counter and began assembling a sandwich.I trimmed the crust off the bread.Just the way Blakas likes it,I thought.
[10] With a jolt（注：突然晃动；精神上的刺激。）,I realized what I was doing.I bolted（注：bolt 急忙逃出；迅速移动。）from the kitchen and flung myself on Blake's bed,stifling my sobs in his pillow."My sweet baby,"I whispered.Late in the afternoon I heard the rumble of a school bus.I can't let the boys see me like this.I forced myself to get up and get dressed.
[11] When Jeff came in that evening,he asked with a hopeful smile,"How'd it go today?"
"It was awful,"I replied."I barely made it out of bed."
"Oh,Bade,"he said,pulling me close."It'll get better."
[12]As the weeks passed,it did seem to get easier-for Jeff.He had his work.But for me,the ache of loss only deepened.Laundry,cooking and cleaning became mere,drudgery（注：苦役，单调乏味的工作。）,no longer games to★dawdle over（注：慢吞吞地干；磨洋工。）with my little helper,Blake,at my heels.Without him chattering away,an oppressive silence pervaded the house.At first I left the TV on,but the songs on Sesame Street reminded me how Blake loved Big Bird.I'd catch myself peering out the living room window,waiting for Scott and Brent to get home fron school and rescue me from my loneliness.
[13] By the time Jeff got home I was desperate for his company.As soon as we were alone,I★dug in（注：dig in 原意为掘壕固守，文中表示坚持自己的立场。）.One evening he got in bed and settled back with a magazine.He hadn't turned a page before I announced,"We need to talk."
[14] A pained expression crept over his face.He knew what was coming."I'll be glad to listen,"be said."Just please don't ask me to talk about Blake.I can't anymore."
[15] "I really have to go over what happened that last day,"I insisted.For the next half hour I recounted every agonizing detail.I almost forgot Jeff was there,until he touched my arm."Be right back,"he said and disappeared into the bathroom.When he didn't emerge I glared at the closed door.Why didn't he want to talk about Blake?They had been so close,so alike.Didn't Jeff miss him the way I did,so much that it physically hurt?
[16] Months slipped by,and we★stumbled on（注：stumble on/across/upon 无意中发现。）through the uncharted territory of grief.Near dawn one morning I lay in bed listening to Jeff's even breathing,getting angrier and angrier.Our little boy was dead,and he was sleeping as if nothing were wrong!I don't know what got into me,but I gave him a swift poke in the ribs.
[17] "What?"he mumbled sleepily.
"You were snoring."
[18] "Sorry."He sat up,awake."Babe,"he said,taking my hand,"don't you think it's time we went back to our morning prayer?"
[19] "I can't pray to a God who didn't save my child,"I said,pulling away,the bitterness in my own voice frightening me.
[20] "Then I'll pray for you,"he said softly.
"I don't need your prayers!"They can't comfort me,and neither can you,ladded silently.
[21] It became harder for us to live in our home without Blake.Brent refused to sleep in the bedroom they had shared.We all avoided that room,still filled with Blake's clothes,toys and lingering little-boy smell.But no matter where we went in the house,something called forth the memory of the sunny-faced toddler whose giggles still echoed in our minds.
[22] One evening as Jeff helped me clear the table,he offered a solution."I think we should move,"he said."Maybe it'll give us a new start.I want us to be a family again."
[23] I nodded warily.I wanted that too,but I was beginning to wonder if the warning our pastor had given us was coming true.
[24] "Most of all,"Jeff added,his gaze resting on me tenderly,"I want my girl back."
"That girl is gone forever,"I snapped,not thinking."Just like Blake."Immediately I felt bad,but it was too late to take it back.
[25] We looked for a house for months,with no luck.Finally we decided to build our own.After long days at the store,Jeff grabbed quick suppers with us,then rushed out to work on the house,leaving me alone with the boys.The tension between us escalated.We had rarely exchanged a harsh word in all our years of marriage.Now we bickered（注：bicker 争论，争吵。）constantly.He was determined to stay within budget,and I didn't see the pint of building a home if we had to★cut corners（注：抄近路；省时省力或省钱。在建房中，抄近路或节约就意味着偷工减料。）.We stopped smiling at each other,stopped touching.That patient "I'm praying for you"expression on Jeff's face infuriated me.The qualities that had once drawn me to him-his quiet strength,his steadiness-left me cold.
[26] One day after a nasty skirmish,I caught Jeff muttering,"That woman will send us to the poorhouse!"
[27] I felt a stab of hurt and a sudden,dreadful revelation:Somehow I had gone from being his "Babe"to"that woman".
[28] "I'm sick of this!"I cried,powerless to stem the rush of angry words from my lips."I'm sick of pretending everything's okay between us.Maybe we should just★call it quits（注：失和；断交）!"
[29] The air vibrated with a silence more terrible than that which filled the house after Blake died.
[30] Then Jeff took me by the shoulders and held me,more with his solemn gaze than with his touch."Pat,"he said,his voice breaking,"as much as Blake loved our family,how do you think be would feel if his death split us up?"
[31] Blake.Our family.Love.Like arrows hitting their mark,the words pierced the armor of anger I had isolated myself in,not just from my husband but from God.With something like relief,I sank into Jeff's arms.Together we wept for our son,and for what our grief had done to our marriage.
[32] "Going on without Blake is hard enough,"Jeff whispered,gently tracing the tracks of my tears with his thumb."I can't make it without you."
"I can't make it without you either,"I said.I had been so wrapped up in my pain that I hadn't seen Jeff had been hurting too.in his own quiet way.I reached up and pressed his hand to my cheek."I need you."
[33] It was a beginning.We made time for each other again,every day,not necessarily for long talks but simply to be together.I saw a counselor who guided me in coping with my grief.Jeff brought me in to work part-time at the store.Each small change was a step toward him,toward love and healing.
[34] As much work as we put into our new house,we put more into building a new life together.It wouldn't be the same without Blake.It couldn't.Still,I knew it would be a good life when early one spring morning I heard Jeff say,"Thank you,God,for all you've given us.Our children,our health..."I found myself holding him colser and adding,"...and our love for each other,and for you."
[1]10月的一个下午，正是我家儿子们所喜爱的一个凉爽秋日，天空一片耀眼的蓝色。我可以想象出5岁的布伦特和3岁的布莱克正匆忙地穿过我们的庭院，欢天喜地高喊着跳到一大堆枯叶上。那些枯叶是他们13岁的大哥斯科特用耙子归拢到一块儿的。
[2]但是那美好的情景再也不会出现了，因为布莱克已经不在了。他染上了一种非常严重的细菌性脑膜炎，使他在短短几个小时内就夭折了。我们再也见不到他爬上房屋前面的橡树，再也听不到他爬树爬得比往日更高时发出的欢乐的笑声，我们只能听任他在九泉之下安息。
[3]当我和我丈夫杰夫一同站在儿子坟墓一旁时，我啜泣不止，杰夫则把我的手握得更紧。葬礼结束时，送葬的人们纷纷离开墓地，车门关闭时的嘭嘭声断断续续地响起。但是我们无法离开布莱克。我们还不忍心这么快离开。
[4]在往后的日子里，我和杰夫总是厮守在一起。我们力图在儿子们面前表现得坚强一点。如果一切事情平静下来，恢复正常，对他们来说是再好不过的了。
[5]私下里，我不知道生活是否还会和以往一样。就连每天早上醒来这简单的举动都与往日不同。我和杰夫一向喜爱清晨——在上班之前，家庭杂务和孩子们向我们迎面扑来。我们往往要交谈一会儿，互相拥抱一下。然后，我就听杰夫作祷告。一起度地安静的一刻，使我们感到能够集中精神开始新的一天。但是，现在不论我们怎样相互贴近，却再也不找不到那种平静了。每天夜晚我们并排躺在床上，不能入睡，接着陷入断断续续的瞌睡状态，直到被闹钟惊醒。
[6]葬礼一周后的一个早晨，杰夫问道：“宝贝，你醒了吗？”
“我睡不着。”
他说：“我也是。我一直在想……我今天该回去上班了。”
[7]我哭喊着说：“你不能去！别这么早就去。”
杰夫说：“我不得不去。店里需要我。”他在经营他家的五金制品生意，而我知道他不能长时间丢下不管。可是，我一个人整天独自呆着该怎么办呢？
[8]我抓住他的胳膊恳求他说：“不要离开我。”
他挣脱开我的手，下了床，并且开始准备上班。他走之前吻了我的额头，安慰我说：“宝贝，你会好的，给我打电话。”
[9]我的情况不好，连接近好都谈不上。我把斯科特和布伦特送走上学之后，又爬回到床上，刚刚在两个儿子面前假装心情好把我弄得精疲力竭。到了接近午餐的时间，我还穿着睡袍，勉强拖着脚步走进厨房。我机械地把面包、花生酱和葡萄酱在长台面上排成一行，开始做三明治。我把三明治上面沾着的面包皮去掉，心想，这正是布莱克喜欢干的。
[10]当我意识到自己在干什么事时，不禁感到震惊。我匆忙离开厨房，一下子扑到布莱克的床上，在他的枕头上止住自己的呜咽，嘴里悄声说：“我可爱的宝贝！”那天下午晚些时候，我听见一部校车开近的隆隆声。我不能让孩子们见到我这副模样。我强迫自己从床上起来，并把衣裳穿好。
[11]那天傍晚，杰夫回来时，带着充满希望的微笑问我：“你今天过得怎样？”
我回答说：“非常糟糕，我是勉强从床上爬起来的。”
他说：“噢，宝贝！情况会好转的。”他边说边将我拉近。
[12]一周接一周过去了，对杰夫来说，心情似乎真的变得好了一些，因为他有工作可干。但是对我来说，失去爱子的悲伤反而越来越深了。洗衣、烧饭和打扫卫生都变成了苦役。过去由于有布莱克跟在我后面充当小助手，干这些家务活曾是我消磨时光的乐趣。由于没有他在那儿喋喋不休的说话声，屋子里弥漫着压抑的肃静气氛。起先我总是让电视机开着，但是电视里播放的《芝麻街》上的一些歌曲却使我回忆起来莱克是多么喜爱“大鸟”。我发现自己正在朝起居室的窗外瞧着，等待着斯科特和布伦特放学回家，好把我从孤独中解救出来。
[13]在杰夫回家前，我渴望着有他作伴。只要我们俩单独在一起，我就又会扯到失去爱子的话题上去。一天晚上，他上床后就往后靠着看一本杂志。他读了好一阵却没有翻动一页，直到我说：“咱俩需要谈一下。”
[14]他脸上呈现出痛苦的神情，他知道将要发生什么事情。他说：“我会高高兴兴地听你讲，不过请你不要让我谈有关布莱克的事了，我已经不能够再谈他了。”
[15]我坚持说：“我真的得把那最后一天发生的事从头到尾再讲一遍。”在之后的半个小时里，我列举了那使人感到极度痛苦的每一个细节。我几乎完全忘记了杰夫的存在，直到他碰了碰我胳膊。他说：“我马上就回来。”然后就去了卫生间。他没出来时，我就瞪眼瞧着卫生间那紧闭的门。他为什么不想谈论布莱克？他俩曾经是多么亲密无间，多么相像啊！杰夫是不是不像我这样想念他，想得以致损害了身体呢？
[16]几个月的时间不知不觉地过去了，我俩无意中发现走过了那未知的悲哀领域。有一天清晨即将破晓时，我躺在床上倾听杰夫均匀的呼吸声，越听越生气。我们的小男孩走了，他却像什么事都没有发生似地酣睡！我不知道自己怎么搞的，竟鬼使神差地突然戳了一下他的肋骨。
[17]他睡意朦胧地咕哝着：“什么事？”
“你打呼噜啦！”
[18]他醒了，坐起来握着我的手说：“对不起，宝贝，咱们是不是该恢复作晨祷了？”
[19]我抽出手对他说：“上帝对我的孩子见死不救，我才不会向他祷告呢！”我声音中包含的强硬态度使我自己都吃惊。
[20]他用柔和的声音说道：“那么，让我来为你祷告吧！”
“我不需要你的祷告！”我又在心中默默地补充道，祷告安慰不了我，你也安慰不了我。
[21]失去布莱克之后仍然住在那栋房子里使我们的生活变得更为艰难。布伦特不肯再睡在他和布莱克共住过的卧室里。我们大家都回避那个房间；那里至今仍然塞满布莱克的衣裳、玩具，还有一股股久久盘桓的小男孩的气味。在我们的屋子里，不论我们走到哪里，都会触景生情，回忆起布莱克的音容举止；那个被太阳晒得黑黝黝的、蹒跚学步的孩子，他格格的傻笑一直索绕在我们心中。
[22]一天傍晚，杰夫帮助我清理餐桌时，他提出一个解决问题的办法。他说：“我认为我们应该搬家，说不定这会给我们一个新开端。我希望我们能够再次成为一个欢乐美满的家庭。”
[23]我慎重地点点头。我也想搬家，但我开始怀疑牧师向我们提出的警告是不是会成为事实。
[24]杰夫用脉脉含情的眼神凝视着我，补充道：“最主要的是，我想要找回我的姑娘。”
我不加思索地厉声说：“那个姑娘已经一去不返了，就像布莱克一样。”我立即感到自己说得不合适，但是，一言既出，驷马难追。
[25]我们花费了好几个月的时间四处寻找房子，却未见到中意的。最后，我们决定自己动手盖。杰夫每天在店里干很长时间后，他赶着和我们一道吃完晚饭，然后就急忙去盖房子，把我单独和孩子们留在家里。我和杰夫之间的紧张关系逐步升级。结婚多年以来，我俩几乎从未恶语相加，现在却没完没了地争吵。他下定决心要把开支控制在预算内；我则认为，如果为了盖房必须偷工减料，那盖房也没什么意义了。我们不再彼此笑脸相迎，也不再相拥相亲。杰夫脸上呈现出的“我为你祷告”的忍耐表情使我怒火中烧。过去曾经一度吸引我向他靠近的可贵品质——他无言的力量和他的镇静——现在只令我感到冷酷无情。
[26]有一天，在一场令不快的争吵之后，我听见杰夫嘟哝着：“那个女人会把我们弄到贫民窟去！”
[27]我感到心里一阵刺痛，突然间，一种可怕的现实被意外地揭示出来：原来我已从他的“宝贝”变成了“那个女人”。
[28]我大声哭喊着说：“我讨厌这个！”我无力阻止愤怒的话语脱口而出。“我讨厌假装我们之间风平浪静。我们或许应当就此了结了罢！”
[29]空气在无言地颤动，比布莱克夭折后房子里的气氛更为可怕。
[30]然后，杰夫搂住我的双肩，他那庄严的凝视对我的触动甚于他双臂的接触。他声音突然高了起来说：“帕特，布莱克爱我们的家爱得那么深，如果他的死竟然使我们分裂，你想他会有什么感受？”
[31]布莱克。我们的家。爱。这些话语像利箭击中了目标，刺穿了我怒气的盔甲；我就是用这盔甲把自己隔离了起来，不仅与丈夫隔离，而且还与上帝隔离。我好像得到了某种解脱，投入了杰夫的怀抱。我俩为死去的儿子，也为我们的悲伤所带给婚姻的伤害而哭成一团。
[32]杰夫用他的大拇指轻柔地擦拭我的泪痕，悄声地说：“没有布莱克，我们的日子就过得够艰难了；没有你，我真无法生活了。”
我说：“没有你，我也活不下去。”由于自己深陷痛苦之中，我竟然没有发现杰夫也在受到伤害，只不过他在用他默默的方式来承受罢了。我伸出手去握住他的手，把他的手贴在我的面颊上说：“我需要你。”
[33]这是一个新的开端。打那之后，我们像过去一样，每天相互为对方腾出一些时间来，未必要长淡，只是厮守在一起。我去见了咨询顾问，请他指导我怎样排遣自己的悲痛。杰夫带我每天到店里去工作几小时。每一个细小的变化都使我向他靠拢一步，向爱和伤痛的愈合靠拢。
[34]在费尽辛苦盖新房子的同时，我们还一起更多地投入到创建我们的新生活中。失去布莱克使我们的生活不再和过去一样，也不可能再一样了。但是，我知道生活将是美好的，当我在一个春天的清晨听见杰夫祷告说：“上帝，感谢你赐给我们的一切，我们的孩子，我们的健康……”我更紧地拥抱杰夫，补充说：“……还有我们彼此之间的爱，以及我对你的爱。”
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